My secret life of indiscreet discretions


August 2014

Thursday, August 21st, 2014


let's play catch up, starting with the present

I'm having such a nice weekend. Tory and I have Thursday/Friday off together, and it's been a particularly good one, though they're usually good.

Did I mention that I got married, LiveJournal? Yeah, that happened, and it was great. I'll post a picture or three soon. We're both very intense people and have our fair share of difficulties, but we get each other like neither of us ever expected, and are in it for the long haul. It's awesome.

This weekend we've been preparing for a boat-in camping trip on Diablo Lake, a couple hours from where we live. I've never been there, or boat camping. I'm so excited! I was able to borrow a canoe, paddles, dry sacks, etc. from various friends. We bought a few things too to make this happen, but I think it's gonna happen more often. I might sell my super fancy roller skates and buy a used canoe with the proceeds. We're already addicted.

Yesterday afternoon when Tory got out of work we picked up all the gear we needed and went out to a small(ish) lake nearby to get some paddling practice in. It was the first time for both of us. We were a bit wonky at first, but by the end of the hour, we were cruising along. We learn fast. It was much easier to put the boat onto the truck the second time too. Being on the water in a canoe is SO FUN. We can't get enough. I'm already jonesing to be on the water again. I can't wait until we're in a boat on calm water with a ukulele in hand. Life is good, my friends.

There's been a HUGE learning curve for this boating/camping trip. More than I anticipated. But I tend to over-prepare just enough, and the internet is an awesome wealth of information, and I got started early enough that it's happening real smoothly. I've gotten lots of tips from the people I've borrowed gear from too.

We're leaving on Tuesday afternoon, and will be out until Friday. Today we had a pleasant day running errands, picking up nutrient dense food and (nutrient depleting) liquor, and a fanny pack for me so that I have essentials nearby while we're boating. Lol. We practiced packing our gear into the canoe, and shit looks TIGHT. The boat is big enough that we can bring essentials and a few luxuries. This is gonna be such a great trip.

This evening we went and played pool, another thing we've become addicted to. We're both so into it, and pretty damn good. Overall, Tory played better than me tonight, but I had a rad game where I shot well and played great defense, and won the game with all of his balls on the table, a rare but welcome treat.

Since we're all caught up with our preparations, we're going to lounge at the nude beach tomorrow midday, then go on a plant walk with an herbalist friend of mine in the early evening. We'll learn a bit more about local plants which can be used for food or medicine. We've been doing a lot of that lately, and it's been awesome.

Sunday, we're taking the boys out onto the lake, since we have the canoe, and are obsessed, and need more practice. I also have a henna birthday party early in the day, for people I really like. It's fun to sometimes get paid to make art.

Life is really good. I have things I struggle with, but overall, I feel more fulfilled and happy than I ever have.

I regret that I don't have more of a record of the whirlwind this past year or so has been. So much good stuff has happened. I am probably going to take the time to write here more. Writing quiets my mind, at least a little, and also solidifies things in my memories. I tire of trying to be succinct and impersonal (as much as I ever get) on FB, even though most of my friends are there. I will write here, whether it's just for me, or whether you read it. Whatever happens, I am happy to be making a record of things again. I need it.

Monday, August 18th, 2014


just a recipe

I don't even know if anyone is here, but I need a quick place to post a recipe that can be put onto Pinterest, so here I am.

I've been thinking about maybe writing here again, but not now.

Thai Iced TeaCollapse )

Tuesday, May 21st, 2013


Coffee, sex, pool, and sushi. Not a bad start to the day! Tory works late today and we are down to the last few days before our trip, so a little relaxing time was in order. The opportunity presented itself this morning, and man, oh man, did we take it.

I'm about to pick River up from school. His brother has an orthodontist appointment, so it'll be just Riv and I for a while. I need to run a few errands, then I think I'm going to take him out to Brandywine Kitchen's happy hour, where we'll split small portions of handcut fries, GF mac & cheese, and some cheesy bread for him. He's gonna love going out to eat with just his mama.

Tonight the kids and I are going to visit Tory's best friend Gina for a bit, and have root beer floats, then I'll drop the kids off at home and head over to Tory's, meeting Gina there for a last quick visit before we leave town.

Tory and I only have one or two more nights to spend in The Cave. Man, we're gonna miss this place, but it'll be so nice to be fully living together and not having to shuffle between households. Still, these last few days are bittersweet. We're enjoying them all we can.

Friday, May 17th, 2013


So when Tory and I first started seeing each other, back when I still had other people in my life, we talked about kink some. He put his hand on my chest, giving me a powerful dose of sweetness and love, and said, "This is what you can expect from me." Which was fine. I never want to push anyone into doing something that doesn't feel right for them, and besides, I had other people in my life for that.

Then we became blissfully monogamous, and it occurred to me that I was committing to going without kink for the rest of my life. Which also felt fine. I've gone for long periods of time without it, and the rest of our relationship is so beautiful and fulfilling, I knew I would be okay. I might miss it a little, but whatever. In the grand scheme of things, it just didn't matter.

But guess who's smacking me across the face now? Ha! It wasn't anything I pushed for, but after a few more conversations about it, Tory got a sense of where I was coming from with it, and that it isn't something mean or hurtful; I don't want to be degraded or anything, I just like it rough sometimes. One night we drunkenly wrastled on his bedroom floor, which was SO MUCH FUN for both of us, then later that night he popped me a good one, and fucking loved doing it. He's bit me a few times too, and that's just about all I need. We might explore other things in the future, but I'm in no rush, and don't even know what else I might want. I have so much with him. It's wonderful.

We leave for our road trip a week from today! There is so much left to do, but it'll be fine. He's started moving into my house, which is so great. We finished our first two automata and have more in the works. We also managed to go back to Predators of the Heart with the whole family, and everyone but Tory held the King Cobra! Oh my goodness, that was intense. We got some great photos too. I'll post them later when I'm not so busy.

I hope you all are well and enjoying your late spring. I sure am! Much love to you all.

Monday, May 13th, 2013


Oh man, there are some days where the love is more intense than others. Yesterday was one of them. Tory and I knew it was going to be a big one from the moment we woke up. It's so good, it hurts. I was on the edge of tears off and on throughout the day, just from the beauty and intensity of it all. I did tear up a little from time to time, but I could feel a storm inside of me just waiting to be released.

We got to spend the morning and early afternoon together before Tory had to work and I got the kids. We checked the antique stores for wooden boxes to build our automata in, then came home and had some incredibly intimate, powerful sex. It was major.

In the early evening I went and visited him while he was working, as I do every day. I brought him one of the poppies from the garden, and brought my uke and serenaded him with a song that I've been wanting to play for him. It's sappy and sweet but if I were the sort to write sappy, sweet songs, I could have written it for him, it has so many strange little things that are in our life together. I don't sing it particularly well so I had been holding off, but it was playing in the antique store that morning, so I just had to. Tory was charmed.

When he got off work at 10, I picked him up and we played some pool. Sundays are free pool days, which is nice, but we're going to hit it in the afternoons in the future, which will work with our schedules when we get back from our road trip, as we'll both have Sundays off soon.

We got home from the bar and had some more great sex. The emotion was about as strong as usual (which is really strong), and physically, things were so fucking fun. I love having him all over, including on my chest. Last night I was able to combine having him between my breasts and in my hand in a way that neither of us had ever experienced before, and let me tell you, it was amazing. We are SO doing that again.

In the aftermath of our sex, emotions were running high again, and I could feel the tears coming. I knew that Tory wouldn't mind if I just let go, and I couldn't hold it in anymore, so I cried and cried. Sobbing over how wonderful it is to love each other so much, and how scary it is to be so vulnerable to somebody, but mostly just the positive stuff. It's so good it hurts. I still don't know where exactly the sadness comes from in the face of such beauty, but it's somehow sad, and so, so beautiful. I cried for quite some time. Tory totally gets it. He's not a crier, but has had a good cry for similar reasons, and even without that, he completely understands, and feels so much of the same stuff. While I cried, he was just present with me, holding me, joking with me, feeling it with me, loving me.

I'm emotionally exhausted this morning, but I think that after a bike ride and a cup of coffee, I'll be ready to jump back into the fray. It's gonna be another good day. I'm going to do some woodworking, play with the kids, and cook lots and lots of asparagus. I am excited.

Thursday, May 9th, 2013


Things are so, so good. Tory and I continue to fall deeper in love. This is IT, for the rest of my life.

I've had many adventures since I last wrote. I can't even tell you all of them, but I want to write at least some of them down. Apologies for the long post, but it's been a while. Believe me, this isn't even the half of it. Skim! Haha.

Last week I got to join my dear friend Ross for a visit to a wildlife educational facility, Predators of the Heart, where I met a whole lot of different creatures, and got to touch a fox, several wolves, a cougar, a softshell turtle, an alligator, a king cobra, a rattlesnake, and a gila monster! There were 16 wolves there, and at times, the whole pack would start howling. It was unearthly, like nothing I've ever experienced. Ross is friends with Dave, the man who runs the place, and I got a private tour, facilitated by the wild blueberry pie that I brought for Dave. I didn't get the greatest photos, but you can nonetheless see them here.

I also got to bring home our garden turtle, Rigoberto, which is awesome. He is so beautiful! I got a raccoon-proof enclosure built for him within the two days after he came home. I'm pretty sure Ross loaned Rigoberto to me so that I would know how much I wanted a box turtle at the homestead. And now I already have the damn enclosure, haha. Everyone in the family and the neighborhood loves Rigoberto. I've probably met around 500 turtles in the past year, and he is the coolest one I've ever met, and so fucking beautiful!

We got invited to go back to Predators of the Heart with Ross next week, and I get to bring the kids, Tory, and Trey. We are all so excited. The facility is really close to Deception Pass, so we're going to head over there afterward and have a picnic. The day is going to be epic, for sure.

This past week, Tory and I got our shop set up, and we started making waves for the automata last night. We are both so excited and happy about it. I love the work, and could make more money doing that than pretty much anything else I could do, plus I could do it on my own timeline, piecemeal, whenever I have a moment. Plus, they're beautiful. It's so awesome.

The kids are super excited about it too. Once we get back from our road trip, we're going to teach the kids the process, and they're going to help make one for them to each keep. They're both fascinated, but River in particular is captivated by them. I can almost hear the little gears in his head turning at the possibilities.

River has been doing so well lately. He has had his hard times, but goddamn if he isn't at peace right now, or as close as he comes to it. I know that part of it is that he's so connected with me, and I'm in such a good place. We all love Tory so much, and he's added to our lives in just the ways that we've needed.

Last Sunday after Tory got off work, we all went down to the nude beach along Chuckanut for a refreshing dip in the ocean. Trey even took a couple hours off work to join us. We had a blast. The water was still quite cold, but Alder and I in particular didn't mind. We were both in the water for at least an hour. Then we came home, made roasted chickpea and vegetable fajitas, and drank (a bit too much) tequila. Fun.

While at the beach, I "found" some sharp barnacle covered rocks with my knees. It didn't hurt at all, partly because I was numb, partly because salt water is so cleansing, but they were bleeding pretty good. The rivulets of blood running down my legs in the channels of salt water looked beautiful. We didn't have a real camera, but snapped a nice photo with Tory's phone.

I feel the strong urge to go and give blood sometime soon. I feel like I have so much power and beauty in my life, I want to give what I can to help others.

Tory wrote another song about us, Nervousness Gift. I think it might be my favorite about us yet. He might not be recording for a little while in the upcoming busyness, which I'm already missing more than I would have thought, but he's planning to release an EP of the songs he's written about us. I am so touched that I've become his muse.

We leave for our road trip to Tahoe in two weeks! There is so much to do between now and then, but I feel good about getting things done. When we get back, he'll be moved into this house with me, though Trey will still be living here with us through the end of the summer or so. It'll all work out. We get along well together, like family.

Tory and I were trying to figure out where he was going to set up his recording studio, and last night he suggested the space underneath our loft bed, which is the best use for that space that I could possibly imagine. I am so charmed at the thought of him making music underneath our bed.

This weekend is going to be a big one for me. Tomorrow, Tory and I are heading to Vancouver to see the last Apollo Ghosts show ever, and we'll head back on Saturday, at which point Trey and I are taking off to Seattle to see IAMX, which I am also very excited about. It'll be a lot of travel and a lot of music, but I can handle it. The only hard part will be being apart from Tory.

Neither one of us has ever wanted to be with someone else so constantly, but it works so well for us. We adore each other and are so, so happy together. I am so looking forward to living together, which will make it even easier to have productive independent work and play while still being close. We will still work together a lot, growing food, cooking, and making the automata, among other things, but we'll have our own projects too. It's gonna be so good. We're going to have such a great life together.

Interestingly, I got a text from Rob late last night, the first contact that we've had in over five months. "Nostalgia galore. Miss you. Hope you're well."

I replied this morning, "I'm kind of surprised to hear from you now. I thought it was gonna happen a month ago. Ha. I hope you're well too. Things are great for me. I met the love of my life and am so fulfilled. We're about to go on a roadtrip to his parent's house in Tahoe, and when we get back, he's moving in with me. We're monogamous, even, and I'm so, so happy about it. The kids are doing fantastic too. Summer is coming, food us growing, been swimming in the ocean and smiling a lot."

I don't know if I'll hear back from him and I don't much care one way or the other, though to be honest, I do miss his son a lot, and I suppose I wouldn't mind being friends with Rob, which is weird, but okay. It helps a lot that I have less than zero temptation to ever be "involved" with him again. For all that he has his issues, I did really care about him, and I wish him the best, whatever happens. I also know that if we were ever to be in contact again, I wouldn't have any problem setting healthy boundaries. I'm sure even his friendship could be destructive for me if I were to let him in too much. I've had other exes in the past who were unhealthy for me for a long time, so we took a long break from contact (sometimes for years), then we became friends again and it was good. Lighter, and different, but good.

It's kind of strange to be so totally and completely in love with someone, like, more love than all the love I've ever felt in my entire life up to this point, yet still be getting to know him. Today I am overwhelmed with understanding for who he is, and total, complete, unconditional love. I get him like few people ever have, and he gets me too. We're still figuring out what that means, but it is fantastic.

Monday, April 29th, 2013



cut for TMI about groomingCollapse )

Thursday, April 25th, 2013


So the other day Trey and Tory were at work, and Trey realised he still had a bit of cleanup from the Co-op party where Tory and I met. Trey said to Tory, "Yep, I'm finally dumping this lemonade. This lemonade is older than your relationship." LOL!

Jokes aside, everything is going really well. We've all been hanging out together more, and it's great. Tory and I have been working in the garden a lot and having a blast doing it. He wrote a song about it. On nights when I have the kids, he tends to come over in the afternoon (if he hasn't been here all day), stays for dinner (which he usually helps me make), then when it's time for the kids to go to bed, we go back to his place. It's a nice routine, though I look forward to the day when we are all here together all the time.

Yesterday we took the kids to the Marine Life Center, which is a favorite place of theirs, partly because the woman who runs it is a good friend of ours and absolutely dotes on my little budding marine biologists. She wasn't going to be there that day, but she busted ass to get out of class in time to come see us. Such a treat! She had the boys feeding all the creatures, talking all the while about them. She is passionate and knowledgable, and loves sharing that with others, especially children.

We got to see Shuksan, the Pacific Giant Octopus who was put into the tanks the day that we went on the boat to have Dulse (another Pacific Giant) released back into the wild. Shuksan was about 3 - 5 lbs. that day in December, and is now at least 13 lbs. He's grown so fast! They also have an East Pacific Red Octopus who is fully grown, barely a double handful of a beautiful little creature. They have short lifespans, so they'll probably be able to keep her until she dies, and we're hoping that she'll lay eggs first. There's a chance that they were fertilized a while back, so we might even get octopus babies! So cool.

In the early evening, the kids got picked up by their dad, Tory went home to work on his song, and I took a nice shower and put on a pretty dress. I met him back at his place, we got a cup of coffee, then went downtown to play skeeball and pool. We had SO MUCH FUN. We are pretty evenly matched at pool, in that neither one of us is very good, but we sure had fun playing. So much fun, we're going to do it again today. :) Then he's going to paint my toenails, haha.

I've spent the mid-morning and early afternoon making dinner for everyone. I'll leave Trey's portion here, and bring mine and Tory's over to his place. I'm happy I can still cook for Trey pretty often, and Tory feels spoiled rotten. I guess I'm a pretty good cook.

Tomorrow night, Tory and I are going to go out for a fancy dinner. I won a gift certificate to one of the nicer restaurants in town, and I'm really looking forward to having a night out with my favorite boy.

We are so in love, we hardly know what to do with it. I've been on the verge of tears for days, my heart is so full.

Monday, April 22nd, 2013


I'm still floored that Tory is moving in soon. I'm beyond excited. We're both so all in here, it's amazing. We are so good together. This life we're building is going to be fantastic.

He used to have an artisan business building automated toys, little sailboats riding waves, which you can see here. He made a huge one once, which you can see in motion here. He stopped for various reasons, including the fact that the last bit of hand sanding he had to do was too hard on his hands, but we're going to start it back up together as a way of getting some extra money so that we can live simply and comfortably together, perhaps without me needing to get a "job." We'll see how it works out, but I'm excited to make plans for building a life together.

He came over last night and we made dinner for the whole family, then retreated to his place at the end of the night. He's coming back over tonight, and we have grand plans. Pizza night! I haven't done a proper pizza night in a long time, perhaps since going gluten free. I've been eating a bit of wheat here and there, and I'm so going to eat my own pizza tonight. Yum! I'm also making a lemon cornmeal cake with a lavender glaze, which will be served with fresh strawberries, and we're going to have a fire in the backyard. Yay!

On Wednesday, Tory and I are going to take the kids to the Marine Life Center to visit my darling Casey and her octopuses, et cetera. Kenna is going to join us, which is rad. I was just chatting with her about her upcoming trip to visit her grandmother in Alaska. They get to take the ferry there! So jealous! I'm going to henna her right before she leaves. I love her so much. I'm excited to see her again this week.

Life is so good.

Sunday, April 21st, 2013


  • Last Tuesday, I went to see Bat For Lashes with kennapea, Trey, and our friend Marcedes. It was awesome.

  • We had a pretty hard week with the kids last week. I'm hoping that this week will be better. I cried last night, from worry/stress about the coming week. The kids did get sick at the end of the week, so maybe they just weren't feeling well leading up to it. It was hard, though.

  • Yesterday was Henna Moon's first day at the Farmer's Market. I stopped into say hello and got conscripted for an hour's worth of work. It was fun. I'll be working off and on with them all summer at the Farmer's Market, and we have a wedding gig on the San Juan Islands, all travel expenses paid plus a nice sized fee, for four hours work. Sweet.

  • Tory and I worked in the garden on Thursday, our first time. It was such fun. We're going to rock the shit out of this garden.

  • We harvested more nettles on Friday, another 10 lbs. or so. I don't know how many more harvests we'll be able to get before they're too big (anything over knee height can cause kidney damage due to hardened silica), but damn if we aren't loving them while we can. They tend to cost $14 - 16/lb. around here. Free, nutrient rich, seasonal food is the best! Nettle risotto for dinner tonight. Yum.

  • The biggest news: Tory and I are going to move into this house together, and Trey is going to move out. Trey was going to stay living here, but because of the kids and all, it's better if we stay here, and he's willing to let us keep the house. He'll still come over and garden and cook with us and stuff. And for a few months in the summer, we're all going to be staying here, with Tory and I sleeping in a tent in the backyard. Ha. It'll be fine. Really. Cheaper rent for everyone too. Tory moves in at the beginning of June, right after our road trip to Northern California.

  • Things are seriously serious between us. I am so happily monogamous, and don't see that changing. It's great.

  • After the dogs are out of the house, we're gonna get some ducks! Ducks eat slugs, and slug larvae, and slug eggs, and make duck eggs. Awesome.

Monday, April 15th, 2013


Somewhere around my fifth stick of butter in two days, it occurred to me that I'm in full on stress baking mode. It's good stress, but damn if I don't need to channel it somewhere. Non-food related productivity will follow soon. But for now, I made a gorgeous wild blueberry pie yesterday, and today I had plans for more nettle tarts and a Mediterranean pasta, then decided to squeeze in some cinnamon rolls as well. Somebody, stop me.

At least I have lots of people happy to be eating my food these days? Especially Trey. He's been missing my cooking. The blueberry pie was for Tory, his favorite. The cinnamon rolls are for Trey. He's gonna be so excited.

Sunday, April 14th, 2013


My love wrote another song about us. It is so beautiful. He is SO beautiful, I can hardly even handle it.


sometimes the best things are hard
the best feelings can weigh heavy on your heart
the intensity of life no matter how smart
like a drug weighs heavy on the heart
sometimes a cigarette on the windowsill
puts me in a place so real real real
always the arms around me fill
the emptiness i always feel feel feel

We're both so intensely in love, it's scary, and a little sad sometimes. Amazing, wonderful, and challenging. He was having a sad night and day the other day, and usually wants to be alone at those times, but with me, he wanted me near. He was concerned that his dark energy would be burdensome, but it was so not a problem for me. I love that he wanted me close still. It was intimate, and loving, and I was able to help in my small way, just being there.

That night, I put him to bed a bit early, after finishing knitting his hat, and watching The Private Life of Plants. God, I love watching nature documentaries with him. He fell asleep and I got up to go pee. His roommate, who I love, was eating mushrooms that night, and she had offered me some off and on throughout the night. I kept saying no, but after Tory fell asleep, she offered to eat some of this little family group of mushrooms with me. I could not refuse. I only had one cap, and thought that I'd just hang out for a few hours then go back to bed with Tory, but life had other plans for me. That one cap FUCKED me, oh my god. It was so much fun. She and I were in a bubble of laughing goodness together. It was totally a bonding experience. Lots of good stuff happened, though it was a little strange that I was on this wild experience with his roommate while Tory sleeping in the other room, unaware of what I was up to. His roommate kept calling herself a homewrecker, and wondering how Tory was going to react. I assured her that he'd think it was funny, and great (he loves her too), and that he'd be happy for us. It was cute that she was worried. I knew he'd be fine with it, but I desperately wanted to let him know what was going on. He was sleeping, and I was high, so I figured I had to just wait. It was hard. At one point, I was taking a moment alone, and was absolutely consumed with the thought of him, and the beauty of what we were building together. Moments later, he appeared, awake, and curious what was up.

I let him know what was going on, and was past my peak at that point, though he was at the peak of his sadness. He was concerned that his energy wasn't good for someone who was tripping, though I was fine. The next day I made sure to tell him that I simply don't have bad trips, and that I'm capable of handling just about anything, and that when it comes to challenging energy, I might even be better at it when on mushrooms, since my magic is even stronger at those times. I was able to help him release some of his sadness. He had to go to work in a few hours, so we just stayed up and loved each other.

No matter how much I love him totally and completely, I am still getting to know him, in terms of what he needs at different times, how to be good to him, et cetera. I have absolutely no doubts about our connection, but I was a little worried that the source of his sadness was the reality of things hitting, my having been around so much, the logistics of planning a life together, stuff like that. I checked in with him, wondering if he was having doubts about things. He assured me that he wasn't, and then told me that it hurt his feelings a bit that I would even ask, because that is so not where we are. He is right, and I will never doubt again.

We had some fantastic sex right before he went to work, then again when he got home from work, then again before bed. Fucking glorious. He hasn't always been super sexual, but this isn't just about sex. There is so much communion happening when we are together. It is edifying, sacred.

At this point, we can't imagine not sleeping by each other's side every night, so I'm just going to work that out. It'll mean going over there after the kids go to bed, and coming back in the morning in time to get them ready for school, but I'm so okay with that.

Earlier that day, I met up with my friend Joey for lunch. I really wanted to talk this whole thing over with him. He is so smart, articulate, and emotionally intelligent, I really value his opinions. He thought this whole thing was just wonderful, and agreed with me that caution has no place in this. Like, maybe when you're younger, but when you get older, you have a better sense of what you want and need. He says that we should always be grateful to accept love into our lives, and when it's love like this? Take it, all in. He said some of what I was saying about how I approach this thing reminded him of a Buddhist teaching that says whatever you're doing, be it taking a nap, sweeping the floor, or being in love, you should be all in, totally present. Sounds just right to me. I am all in.

Friday, April 12th, 2013


Day six of not smoking, and I'm rocking it like a champ. I know that the love and support of Tory has a lot to do with that. It's been so easy. Sure, I've cried some, and I've been a little off here and there, but goddamn, our love is so strong, even tobacco withdrawal barely takes away from how overwhelmingly good I feel all the time.

I've had some real strong connections with people over the years. Sometimes the connection peaks in this moment of clarity, transparency, reciprocity, and it is gorgeous and intimate and so, so bonding. That is what he and I are like ALL THE TIME. My only concern is that it will be exhausting, except that it is also so rejuvenating and healing, I think we will find a balance.

He finished mixing the song he wrote about us on Wednesday night, called The Salish Sea. It is so sweet. You can listen to it here. I just read the comments, and I'm blushing and grinning like mad.

After he played the song for me, we fooled around, and let's just say he got to experience some delights that have not been often offered in his life. I am sooooo good to him, and he is soooooooooo good to me. Ha.

Yesterday morning, we woke at the same time, and instantly started laughing with joy. Seriously, that is how good it is to wake up next to each other. We spent a gorgeous day together, going back to the nude beach to take a dip in the Salish Sea, which was particularly freezing that day. It still felt amazing, but damn, even I couldn't stay in for long. We had also taken a small but effective dose of mushrooms, which added to the beauty of the day, though also made some things much more intense in challenging ways. Good things, but damn, even good things can be challenging.

We laid at the beach for a while, enjoying just being there, and I also read to him some more from Cat's Cradle. After a while, we continued our journey back to our nettle harvesting spot, and made a great haul of particularly beautiful nettles. The harvesting was extra magical with the little bit of mushrooms in our system, and the trail led through some really special places. I loved being there with him so much. I can't wait to go to other magical places with him.

We got back home, processed our nettles, then cooked some of them off to go with our dinner, which was quesadillas with smoked goat cheese, nettles, spinach, and black olives. They were so good. Tory would love me undyingly with or without my cooking, but damn if he isn't overjoyed that I cook the way I do, and as often as I do. I love doing it, especially for/with him.

So. I made him dinner, then took him to bed, where he got to experience all of the delights I have to offer (which were extensive and delicious), and THEN I took him out to play skee ball, which is his favorite, but he didn't even know we had a game here in town. I was pretty much the best girlfriend ever last night, yep.

He loves where he is living right now, but recently found out that their lease isn't going to be renewed, so he's going to have to find a new place sometime around August. We are already basically living together, and are so, so committed to this, we're going to work it out to where we can live together. I wasn't sure when that could happen, since I am not going to start working outside the house a whole lot until after the kids go back to school in the Fall, but I was just talking to him and it seems we might have some options for picking up some extra cash through an artisan endeavor he used to do, and made good money at. He got burned out on doing it, but could do it just a little bit and probably be okay, plus I could help, which would feel real good to me. So who knows, we might be able to get set up together sooner than I was expecting.

Normally, I would be more cautious about something like this, but I feel absolutely no need for caution. What would I even have to gain from caution? It would be like a game that I were playing with myself, following rules because they should be followed, not because it's the right thing to do. This is so right. I have no doubts whatsoever. I never thought I would say that, but that's how it is. It's wonderful.

I was talking to Ron about things last night, and he expressed some concern for me, which is totally understandable. I would be concerned too! He mentioned that when something seems too good to be true, it often is. I told him that this did seem so good, but not too good to be true, it's just true. Yep, that's how it is.

Wednesday, April 10th, 2013


Just got a text from my love.

"Holy shit... your song is gonna be so good! Except I can't get through the vocals without crying. You got me so deep, I hope you know. This has never happened before."

He... doesn't cry. This thing between us, it's so big, and so good. There truly aren't words for it.

In other news, I just uploaded the photo of Alder with Zara on his face. So cute.

cut for adorable spider goodnessCollapse )

Yesterday was intense. I think it's all for the best, but damn if it wasn't a doozy.

It started peacefully, in my love's arms. I made him potatoes for breakfast, and he made me come. Ha. We have been having such amazing sex. It's the energy of it. We are both so empathic, we feel each other so beautifully, and the love we have for each other is so strong, it makes me laugh with delight, and cry with delight. So yeah, we had some time to commune with each other in the morning, then I read to him from my favorite book, Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. He is loving it.

In the early afternoon, we headed to Goodwill to buy a lamp, something we've been talking about for a while now. The light in his main room is quite harsh for me, and he's kind enough to let me domesticate him a little bit. We've been joking about this lamp for a while now. Like that we should get a ceramic one so that if we break up, we can smash the lamp. Stuff like that. Well. Did we ever get a lamp! Neither one of us realised quite how cool it was until we plugged it in late last night. It's perfect! It's a touch lamp with three settings, and we didn't even have a three way bulb in it, just a normal light bulb. And it's metal, so it can't be smashed. I guess we're just going to have to stay together forever.

No, really, I love this lamp.

So, after we got the lamp, we went to my house for a bit, then walked with Cisco to pick River up from school. River loved that both Tory and I were there, and happily walked Cisco home. Unfortunately, his mood took a turn for the worse shortly after getting home, as he was frustrated about homework he had to do, and jealous that it was his brother's birthday. He spent his birthday at his dad's house, and while it sounds like he had a reasonably good day, he didn't get a full on birthday celebration with me (we celebrated in bits and pieces instead), and it seems he took that harder that I realised.

I know I've written some about River's struggles here before. He can be so fucking intense. That intensity is going to serve him well someday, but right now, it can be such a burden. He was full blown yesterday, just upset and unable to work his way out of it. As usual, I did what I could for him, but it was draining for me. Tory got a full view of what he's signed up for as well. He was great, and he understands, and he still loves me. In a way, I think it was good that he got to see this so soon; the great heartache of my life, and how I try to deal with it.

At one point, River was talking about how his brother was the worst brother in the world, because he had been playing with one of his toys briefly, against River's wishes. I told him that his brother was a great brother, and that he really loved him. I tried to give Riv some perspective, which is the only thing I can really do at times like that. I told him that if his kidneys failed, and Alder was a match, I'm sure that Alder would give River one of his kidneys. River thought about it, and agreed, and calmed down a bit, though he couldn't help but add that after the surgery, Alder would probably take advantage of River's recovery time to play with his toys. Sigh.

So yeah, the whole afternoon was exhausting. I basically made Alder his birthday cupcakes, rolled up some collard wraps, and talked River off the ledge. That's it, and it wiped me the fuck out.

Trey got home from work and I whipped up a quick dinner for River, then got changed into a pretty dress so that Tory and Alder and I could go out for sushi. I also lined up an activity for Trey and River, just swimming for a short while, but it was good for Riv to have his own fun thing to do. By that point, his mood had turned around, and he had done his homework.

I had a real nice time out with Tory and Alder. Tory borrowed my bike so we all biked downtown. The light in the restaurant was soft and low, and Tory drinking sake was just one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. I can still see it in my mind's eye, and it gives me the most gentle but intense thrill in my heart. So in love.

Oh! And when we arrived at the restaurant, the woman who was my doula for both births was just leaving. We sat at the table that they had been using. I love that I got to see her there, on that day. And I ate sushi, which I have only done rarely, but it's growing on me. Nori has been hard for me to handle, but I'm starting to like it. Weird.

We stopped at Mallard's on the way home to pick up some ice cream to go with the cupcakes. Liana was working, and she gave me a really good hug, and gave Alder a free pint for his birthday. So sweet.

We got home, I assembled the cupcakes, then the boys all ate them. We didn't sing happy birthday because David Bowie was playing and we decided that was better. After the cupcakes, we fed Zara (the tarantula) a cricket. She wasn't eating when we first got her, but she has been lately. This was the boys' first time getting to watch her feed. It was so cool.

We also did the first of hopefully many photographs of Alder on his birthday with Zara on his face. He wanted to have a tarantula on his face from the first time he saw a photo like that. I am looking forward to doing this each year, watching them both grow up.

After the cupcakes and tarantula feeding, Tory took me home. We plugged in the lamp, then I proceeded to get drunk. Ha. I don't usually drink with the intention of getting drunk, but between quitting smoking and the trying day I had just had, I was all about it last night. It was fine. Just what I needed. I was able to still love Tory real hard, joke around a lot, and watch a bit of a show. Oh! And at one point I took my clothes off in the most amusing fashion. I was wearing some undies and a camisole top. I took the undies off and tossed them toward the bottom of the bed, but they caught on a hook on the wall, which was amusing. Then I took my camisole off and tossed it toward the bottom of the bed, but it caught on another hook on the wall. I so wasn't trying to do either of those things, which is why it was so funny. Probably had to be there, but I'm writing it down for my sake.

This morning I awoke at 5:00 a.m., wide awake, and happy. I drank some water, turned off the lamp, and thought about reading, but instead I just laid in bed next to my love and smiled until I fell back asleep. We awoke together around 8:30, totally in love. We had some coffee and shared our bodies and spirits with each other. Being with him is so amazing, there's no way I could want anything else. What we share is what I want, so much.

As I was writing this, Tory poked his head into the cave, with a glint in his eye. Turns out he just wrote me a song! Oh my goodness, that's such a treat. I can't wait to hear it.

Tomorrow, we go back to the Salish Sea, then to harvest more nettles. I am so looking forward to the cold embrace of the water. I need that right now. I am going to swim, hard, for a long time.

Monday, April 8th, 2013


My love saw me roller skate for the first time yesterday. He was already head over heels in love with me, but damn if that didn't make it worse. I gotta admit, I'm pretty cute on skates. He especially loved my control and I swooped in and sidled up next to him. That's my favorite too. So fun.

We hung out at the homestead yesterday, even after Trey got home, which was nice. It's something we're all going to have to get used to, and it was no problem at all. I was planning on staying at home last night, but I'm in the very early stages of quitting smoking (again, because last year I quit then started again, like an idiot), and I was feeling a bit emotional, so after getting the kids all squared away, I went home with Tory to eat ice cream, drink wine, cry, and watch Louie, all while in his arms. He's so good to me, it's ridiculous.

Tomorrow is Alder's birthday. Tory wanted to take Alder to go do something celebratory, so we're going to go get sushi, hopefully with our friend Gina. Alder is very excited. So am I.

Tory has the day off tomorrow, and I was planning on staying at his house tonight then hanging out tomorrow while the kids are in school. Once I realised that coincided with Alder's birthday, I wasn't sure if that was going to work out, since I figured he'd want me here in the morning. I checked in with Alder, and he said that a part of him would like to have me there in the morning, but that a much bigger part of him wants me to be happy, and that he's totally fine with just seeing us in the afternoon. What a sweetheart. I bought him some bacon for his breakfast in the morning, which he'll love getting as a surprise. Bacon is even better than me being there, haha. Then in the afternoon Tory and I will be here when he gets out of school. I'll make cupcakes, we'll go out for sushi, and it will be splendiferous.

I haven't been able to afford his birthday present yet, but he's being very patient about that, and is so excited just knowing that he's going to get this periodic table cuff. Aw, my little geek is growing up.

Saturday, April 6th, 2013


Trey and I had a truly lovely afternoon together yesterday, which was greatly appreciated on both sides. It was much like old times, but different too, more honest in what where we are together. He was even able to tease me a bit about being so in love. Cute. I don't know exactly how things will work out between us, but I trust that it will be done with love and respect. We have every intention of keeping a lot of the good things that work between us in tact, including our garden and our air hockey games, and a few other things. It's good.

After my productive afternoon with Trey, I went back to Tory's, where I met up with him and his best friend Gina. She and I adore each other. It was our fourth time hanging out. The first time, it was just the two of us, and we totally bonded. The second was outside a house party, and a bit strange. The third time was glorious. She met Tory and the kids and I at a park downtown. I made strawberry shortcake, and she and the kids geeked out hardcore. It was so cute.

This last time she really got a taste of the magic that Tory and I share. We all enjoyed our time together, though it went on a bit longer than we were expecting. I think she just couldn't tear herself away from the goodness. I don't blame her. I sure can't. Don't want to either.

We had some great moments. We told stories and just loved being around each other. We got to sit in her car (which had the best speakers in the house) drinking wine, smoking cigarettes, listening to her band Spindle's new EP, which was fantastic. Tory was in stocking feet and it started to rain, so I gave him a piggy back ride back to the house.

Once she left, Tory and I prepared the dinner I had planned for us, amidst his roommates, who were also cooking food, and drinking the way that young people drink, haha. That was all well and good, but I was happy to finally get him alone. We shared a great meal, cozied up in the cave, and shared one of our many intimate moments. There was a bit of sex, but there was so much more than that. The love we shared was so strong, it hurt a bit. Like, there's a kind of inherent sadness in it, it is so strong. I think it is the sadness of knowing that someday, somehow, it is going to end. Probably not for a long, long time, but holding something so beautiful so close is not without its cost. We are both all in, no matter what comes.

We woke the next morning totally in love, which is the new norm, and awesome. We went to the first Farmer's Market of the season, where I bought some collard greens from one of my favorite farmers. They were so beautiful, I carried them around like a bouquet of flowers, kissing them from time to time. For reals. Tory and I are about to eat them, as soon as I finish writing this.

On our way home from the market, Tory spied a ring on a ledge, just waiting for us. It has a tree on it, which is especially cool because the night before, Gina spontaneously loaned me a beautiful necklace with a tree motif. I had a strong feeling that Tory was going to give me a ring today. Magic.

When we got home from the market, we cozied up in the cave and had some really good sex. I haven't had an orgasm that made me scream in a long time. Tory was so pleased and amused, he couldn't even wait for me to stop coming before he laughed and laughed. Sex that involves laughter is so, so good. We are so good.

I made him lunch, then walked him to work, picking up a few ingredients for our meal tonight, then went home to cook and hang out with Trey. We had another good visit, though a bit shorter this time. He invited me to join him in a beer at our fantastic neighborhood brewery, which was celebrating its one year anniversary. I am so glad I went. He and I had some really great conversation, and I also got to see several near and dear friends and neighbors. There was a glow about the entire day. My life is glowing right now. I love it.

I think that is the gist of it. A few more things happened, but I grow impatient with writing, knowing that Tory is patiently waiting for me. He loves that I am cataloguing our days. These are days. I want to remember every detail, even when I am old, hopefully still hopelessly in love with him.

Friday, April 5th, 2013


Guess what? I had another beautiful day with my love. Surprise! Haha.

I went over to his place on Wednesday evening, after getting all the parts and pieces ready for making my nettle tart. We passed a mellow evening just loving each other, then woke up the next morning, cleaned the kitchen, and made the tart. It turned out beautifully, and I got to share it with his roommates, his best friend, and one of his neighbors. I wrote about the experience with the neighbor on FB. Here's some copy/paste for you.
I met the old man who lives next door to Tory today. Among other things, he had never eaten nettles before, though his mama used to harvest them, because she was raised poor, he said.

I offered him a slice of my nettle tart, which he accepted, giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek in exchange. He wouldn't take the plate it was on, and insisted that I slide the tart onto his hands. A bit of nettles remained on the plate, so I fed them to him. We both loved it.

Life is so magical right now.
He and I also processed the last of our nettle harvest, which I'm steaming right now. We worked and talked and had a good time. I love that he is so willing to do these sorts of things with me. Not just willing, eager. He loves it. We're going to harvest more nettles on the next nice day we have off.

I started menstruating overnight on Wednesday, and while it isn't a terrible cycle, I am definitely a bit tired and in pain. Tory has been so good to me, preparing hot water bottles for me, feeding me red wine and bourbon, massaging my back, loving me.

We had a great dinner too: the last of my quinoa lentil veggie loaf and cashew gravy, plus we took the last of the mashed potatoes and mixed them with sauteed kale, then rolled it into balls and baked them. It was all so good. He is in love with my food, and I fucking love feeding him. He is so happy to have me cooking for us. I give him a list of things to pick up from the store, then tell him what I need prepped, which he does happily and quickly. I cook, he washes the dishes, and we are both so happy. Trey and I had a very similar arrangement, and that's one of the many things I was sad about losing. Turns out Tory and I have the exact same dynamic. For some reason, I feel a little guilty about that, but what can I say, it's awesome.

We just fit so well together, in work, in play, in spirit. I swear, it's like we were made for each other. We are so, so, so in love, and both of us could see this being IT. I really don't think it gets any better than this, and I think we'll be able to be good with each other for a very long time. It's just wonderful.

I'm back home now, getting a second nettle tart made, mostly for Trey and our neighbors, plus I'm making a double batch of polenta and a double batch of Mexican hot chocolate cupcakes. I'll be leaving some of each for Trey, and taking the rest back over to Tory's. He doesn't work until 3:00 tomorrow, so we'll have all morning to luxuriate in each other, and jaunt down to the first Farmer's Market of the season.

Tory had plans to take a road trip down to visit his parents in Lake Tahoe in late May and early June. Guess who's going with him? We're going to camp and visit friends on the way down, then I'm going to meet almost his entire family. He normally likes doing those sorts of things alone, but he is so happy to have me going with him. I am beside myself with excitement. The trip alone is amazing, and getting to do it with him is even better. Ten to fourteen days by his side, visiting beautiful country. I can't wait.

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013


Yet another great day with my love. Best one yet. We wonder at what point we're going to plateau, then just be parked on cloud nine for the rest of our time together.

I feel such a strong desire to catalog our experiences. I know I can't write down everything, but I want to get down as much as I possibly can. This is such an important and beautiful thing in my life, I want a record of it.

My day started melancholy, dealing with stressful things, not enough sleep, the first night in a while apart from him, a little bit of hormonal blahs, etc. We had plans to take the boys to their favorite beach in town and spend the day there. The weather was being wishy washy, but was supposed to clear up a bit later, and we all wanted to go anyway. By midday, I was ready to go, and everything was great as soon as Tory picked us up. We were at the beach until the sun set at 8:00, and had a wonderfully mellow day.

The tide was far, far out on the shallow beach, so we walked the mud flats and the boys played in the inch of water and silt for a few hours, discovering weathered wood, rusty metal, remnants of creatures, and the quiet joy of just being in nature. Tory gave me a ring of bark he found on the flats, yet another little ceremonial celebration of our love. We are committed to each other, already. Ordinarily, I would have lots of doubts, but there's nothing ordinary about this.

After playing in the water, the boys started climbing up the clay slopes, almost cliff-like, where they played for hours. Tory and I processed nettles from our harvest on Sunday, and played ukulele to each other (I got a private live Cartoon Monster concert, which is a rare and beautiful treat), then we had a nice little fire for a few hours. It was all so sweet. There will be photos soon.

At one point, Alder came over to us from his cliff escapades with a few scratches, and in strange spirits. I asked him how he was doing, and he said that he was alright, though he felt kind of stupid. I asked why, and he proceeded to tell us that he fell off the cliff pretty good. He had gotten to a high ledge, and noticed that other people had carved their names in the clay, so he wanted to as well. He realised that he needed to carve slowly, or the silt blew in his eyes, but when he got to the last letter, he wrote it with a flourish that came out a bit too fast, and the dust hit his eyes. He startled a bit, then tipped backward and went ass over teakettle off the edge. He somersaulted down a couple of times, then slid for a while, coming to an abrupt end on his rump. Fortunately, he was relatively unscathed, and damn if he didn't handle the whole thing so well. My boy is growing up, for sure.

At the very end, there was a spectacular sunset, which we all enjoyed.

The timing was perfect, because right as the sun was setting, the kids' dad got home. He just lives a few blocks away from the beach so we had decided earlier in the day to have the boys sleep at his house that night, and I went home with Tory.

I was pretty tired by the time we got home. Tory fried up some leftover potatoes from our meal on Sunday and served them to me, which was very sweet. Then we got in bed and had some very intimate soul sex. Being able to fully indulge in each other's bodies is a recent development. Last night was only the second time. It was incredible.

At one point, he was going down on me, doing miraculous things with his mouth for a while, then he went to put his fingers inside of me as well, and I blurted out, "oh no," in anticipation of the overwhelming burst of pleasure that was to come. I have NEVER said that during sex before, and it was hilarious in that moment. We laughed and laughed, then played some more.

For the first time, I was the first one to fall asleep, and I slept fairly well by my love's side. We both still smell of campfire and each other. Mmm. I don't even want to shower.

I was talking to the boys about Tory today. They love him a lot too. I think part of it is that they are so connected with me, and they know how good he is for me. It is undeniable. I asked if I should keep him, and they said yes, definitely. I think I will.

On Monday morning, I was getting ready for a doctor's appointment, and was brushing out my hair, still a bit stiff from the salt of the sea. I got near River, and he said, "Mama, you smell SO GOOD right now. You smell like plants. Alder, come smell mama! She smells so good!" He's never commented on my smell before, so this was novel and adorable. I said that I didn't know why I would smell like plants, and that I thought I smelled like the ocean, and also like Tory. River said, "Tory smells like the ocean, and you smell like the rain forest." Alder added, "So, an oceanic rain forest!"

I think they like us.
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