My secret life of indiscreet discretions


August 2014

Monday, April 1st, 2013


Yesterday Tory and I had plans for an adventure. We were going to go to Skagit County to harvest nettles, and it occurred to me that we'd be going right past the nude beach on Chuckanut, so we were going to stop there on the way back. Unfortunately, he had written his work schedule down wrong, so right after we woke up, he realised he had to go in to work until 3:00. It was a bit sad at first, but the timing worked out beautifully. When he got home, we were so, so thrilled to see each other, and we started our journey with ebullience.

Our first stop was the nude beach, which he'd never been to before, though he once had a very powerful experience at that turnout on Chuckanut, so it was awesome that I was taking him back to that same place, and beyond. The beach was GLORIOUS. Yes, the water was cold, but I acclimated to it like nothing, and swam quite a bit. I washed my hair with baking soda in the ocean, and made myself a crown from seaweed, calling myself the Queen of the Sea. We took the first photos of the two of us. We really love this one.

As we were preparing to leave, a train went by, winding its way up the narrow strip between the beach and the foothills. The bend where we were situated made the cars sing strange and beautiful songs. Tory sat watching and listening, and I watched him watching, and he was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Then we went down to the Padilla Bay trail to harvest nettles. I love foraging, and he is totally into it. He says he will always go with me. We had a really nice experience there, and got lots and lots of nettles. I was quite the chatterbox on the trail, and he just soaked it up. I don't know how it is that I don't drive him crazy, but he just loves it, and loves me.

When we got home, we made some delicious food, much of which I'd prepared the night before, teasing and bantering with each other the whole while. It was the first time I really cooked for him. He was very much pleased, and looks forward to future foodstuffs with me. He doesn't cook as intensively as I do, but he loves prepping veggies and washing dishes. I don't know how I got so lucky. He's so good with me, AND he does dishes.

Then we finally retired to "the cave." His room mostly has his musical equipment in it, but he has a huge walk in closet which he converted into a loft bed. It. Is. Awesome. One of my favorite places in the entire world, especially when he's cozied up in there with me. We loved on each other for hours. It was intimate and loving and straight up fun. I don't think I've ever smiled so much during sex as I do with him. Physically, things work great, but the real magic is in the emotions/spirit. He is all about the connection, and we play with that connection all the time. He is so good at it. It is incredibly intimate, and loving, and good for both of us.

I have implied this, but not come out and said it, so here it is. Trey and I finally decided to stop trying to salvage our relationship. We have been holding on for far too long, and we knew that, but we just weren't able to walk away. We were so close to that at the end of last summer, and damn, we should have just done it, but both chose to keep trying. While it is sad and hard in a lot of ways, I also feel relieved. We were no longer healthy in each other's lives. Perhaps once we've worked through the challenges of the transition, we can find ways to healthfully interact. We'll see.

In the meantime, things are getting incredibly awkward for Tory at work, since, well, Trey is his boss. Like, Trey is the one who formally introduced us, when we were working together at a Co-op community party. When Tory and I first started talking, he was asking if it would be okay to hang out with me, since he didn't want an awkward workplace. I told him it'd be fine, which has always been the case. Of course, I didn't realise then that he was going to swoop in and steal me away. It's not like Trey and I broke up because of Tory (it's really been a long, long time coming) but yeah, he had a little something to do with giving me the insight and courage to walk away. So. Things are weird at work, and I would feel bad for Tory except for the fact that we are so blessed to love each other like this, we have no regrets. I am sorry that it's harder on Trey than it would be otherwise, but I really do think he is a capable person and will be able to move past this.

Several people already know what is going on, and the magic between Tory and I is undeniable, and we have no intention of hiding it, so we just went ahead and came out with it. I'm sure some people are viewing that as tacky or insensitive, but to be honest, I don't really care. It's what's happening, it's reality, and I don't think there's anything to gain from sheltering people from the truth. I've always been too honest for a lot of people, but it's what feels right to me. This all feels so right.

Sunday, March 31st, 2013


I don't even know how to say this, so I'm just going to go ahead and say it. It's entirely possible that I've met the love of my life. I have never said that about anybody. Ever.

Whatever magic I have inside of me, Tory has inside of him as well, and when we get together, it is unbelievable. Like, one of those "I thought I knew what love was until I met him" kind of things. It may sound trite, but fuck me, for the first time in my life, I'm a believer. I think I've met my match.

Of course, I don't know what the future may bring. I might die tomorrow while picking nettles and jumping naked into the Salish Sea and loving him so hard that it feels my heart might burst. And we might encounter insurmountable difficulties, or lose touch with our magic (though to be honest, it's not bloody likely). Or a meteor might strike the earth and doom us all. Who can say? All I know is, I am so fucking blessed to have met him.

I could tell you so much about this: the beautiful minutia of our day to day, the transcendent sexual connection (which is still limited due to safe sex policies, but so, so good), insightful conversations that I've had with Ron and Trey and my darling Casey (who is magic with me, and is going through almost the same thing), but I'll try to be as succinct as possible.

Suffice to say, we are spending every available moment with each other, so in love it is ridiculous, like, changing the fabric of space-time wherever it intersects with our energy, a golden explosion of positivity that affects everyone around us. Big stuff.

We both have other things in our lives, and we will so get to that, but for now, we just gotta figure this out, and get cozy, then go conquer the world with love and beauty.

Here's a story for you, to give some small idea of how it is.
We tried to spend Thursday night apart from each other, and almost made it, but barely. I even met with a dear friend for an evening out, and it was lovely, but by the time I got home, I was longing to hear from my favorite boy. Sure enough, he had sent me a couple of e-mails, one with the subject line, "Apparently I'm madly in love with you," not that we didn't already know that about each other. He had spent the evening with his best friend, Gina, drinking wine and catching up for the first time since he and I met. She said that in the 12 years that they've known each other, she's never seen him really in love, for reals this time, and that seeing her friends truly happy is one of the great pleasures in her life. When she felt his energy, she had a visceral warm rush of joy. Oh my goodness, I love her too, not just because she's so happy for us. She's awesome, we are fast friends, which she's never had with anybody he's ever dated. His two favorite people in the world, loving each other. It's so good.

After she left, he broke down and sent me a gushing e-mail in which he invited me over, then watched one of his favorite shows and promptly fell asleep, his phone right next to his head. I texted him to see if I should come by, and even called (which I never do), to no avail. I decided to swing by and hope that the front door was unlocked. His roommates tend to be late night people, so it was worth the chance. Alas, the door was locked. I called again, but there was no answer. I wondered if I should just leave, but I so wanted to see him, and knew that he wanted to see me, and he was just behind a window and a wall, a story above the ground.

For the first time in my life, I threw pebbles at the window of my lover, in the light of the moon, no less. That didn't rouse him. I wondered again if I should just leave, and checked all the windows on the ground floor to see if they were latched. There's a deck on the second story, where one of Tory's windows lets out, and there's also a door into the kitchen. The window is always locked; the door, usually. I decided to take my chances at a slightly tricky climb up the supports to the deck, hoping the door was open. It was!

When I told Gina the story the next day, she laughed and sighed and said I was Romeo. Aw.

It took a fair bit of gentle rousing to wake Tory, but the moment he realised I was there, he had a huge smile on his face, and was wide awake. We stayed up for the rest of the night together, and had some powerful experiences, including a moment of intense bonding that makes me weak in the knees and full in the heart whenever I think of it. And every day, there is more of that, stronger. Every day we spend together is the best day yet. We are beside ourselves, beside each other, beautifully.
As you can well imagine, this is wreaking havoc on the rest of my life, but it's fine. If nothing else, Tory is playing the role of a powerful catalyst in my life, which service I have performed for many others in the past. I fully accept that any change occurring right now is necessary change, things I have been holding onto for far too long, knowingly letting the structures of my relationships get further and further from their foundations, rickety in the shake, shake, shaking of life. Repressed tremors breaking forth with greater violence than they would have if given release earlier. Good stuff. Hard, but good.

The only long term, regular, stable relationship I feel I have in my life right now is that with myself, and with the kids. We are all being SO AWESOME right now. I love those boys so much, and they are coming into their own, and I am coming into my own, and it is wonderful. They love Tory and he loves them (which is unusual for him when it comes to kids, especially boys the ages of mine), and oh my goodness, he and I have something so precious, we're just going to treasure it for as long as we can. Maybe always.

Wednesday, March 27th, 2013


I haven't written in a while. Too much has been going on. So I'm just going to tell you one thing.

This man is shaking up my entire life something fierce.

Here's one of his many songs.

I don't know what I'm going to do, except love him real hard.

Thursday, March 21st, 2013


Sometimes it feels like my energy is a beacon. I get full and it radiates out to those around me, and also to people who I'm connected with but not physically nearby. I've had quite a few people contacting me with warmth and longing lately. I am navigating it well. You'd think I wouldn't be surprised by this sort of thing nowadays, but I still am, every time.

I have been feeling Rob's presence in the air lately. I'm hoping that's all that comes of it. I can't help but still feel for him, mostly in terms of concern for his well being and hoping that he can make progress in his life, but I no longer want to be a part of it. I would not be surprised to hear from him sometime in the next couple of weeks.

I've been spending a lot of time out, and a lot of time in my head, learning, and thinking. It's time to move into doing. I'm going to start by cleaning my neglected living room, then go from there.

I made a post on FB today about Marina Abramovic's performance art piece "Rhythm 0" from 1974. I hadn't heard about it until today.

"This piece was primarily a trust exercise, in which she told viewers she would not move for six hours no matter what they did to her. She placed 72 objects one could use in pleasing or destructive ways, ranging from flowers and a feather boa to a knife and a loaded pistol, on a table near her and invited the viewers to use them on her however they wanted."

The outcome is fascinating, especially at the very end. It should be noted that she didn't put a loaded pistol down, but rather, a pistol and a bullet, which is very different.

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I really like a lot of the comments on my post. It is an evocative piece, and I love that my friends discussed it with me. I know some pretty great people.

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013


Things have been awesome lately. I had my photoshoot with my friend Rob Baker yesterday. Ron came with me. It was exhausting, but so, so fun. We got some really great shots from it too. I'm often uncomfortable in front of the camera, but I'm fairly comfortable in front of Rob's.

Here are a few of my favorites.

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You can see the full set here.

He's moving across the country in July. We're going to try to get together for one more play session before he leaves. Maybe something in the woods, maybe another urban shoot with more theatrical styling (corsets, petticoats, fancy makeup, etc.). Whatever we do, I'm sure it'll be fun. <3

Sunday, February 17th, 2013


The past couple of days have been so full and fun. I held up amazingly well, and am left invigorated.

It started with a date with Ron on Friday night. We made dinner at his place, and he invited me to sleep over, an invitation that I happily accepted. We were both rather nervous going into the night, which is cute. We were very comfortable once we got around each other, I think it's just nervous excitement. Feelings are definitely running high between us. I'll admit it, I'm falling in love. It feels good.

We hadn't seen each other in a few days, and the couple of days before our date, we weren't in contact very much, so we were missing each other. That first kiss was magical. We managed to make dinner despite all the talking and making out, though it was a bit late when we finally ate. Afterward, we laid down in bed and talked and cuddled and kissed, then fooled around some. We are still not having most kinds of sex, but things got quite physical, and it was delightful.

I was only able to sleep for about three hours, but the sleep that I did get was restful. I mostly let him sleep, though he awoke a couple of times. We kissed and talked a little the first time, and the second time, he made me come, then went back to sleep. Fuck, it was great. I left while he was still in bed.

I got home and prepared for a long bike ride. My good friend and neighbor Josh has been loosely organizing group rides with fun destinations, though it's more about the journey. Last week, they went on a 35 mile (round trip) ride to Bow, WA, to get a lemon tartlet. Cute. They often visit breweries, as many people in the group brew beer or enjoy drinking good beer, and we have some great breweries around here. Craft distilling has also become more prevalent in the area, so the ride yesterday was to visit a couple of distilleries. The ride was about 25 miles, and it was so much fun. I got to borrow a fantastic bike from Josh's wife, Jessa, a bike that I've always wanted for myself (Surly Cross Check with moustache handlebars and bar end shifters). That made things extra fun.

The distillery we toured was awesome. It's Bellewood Farm's relatively new distillery, where they use their excess apple crops to make vodka, unaged brandy, and some delightful gin. One of the head distillers there is a freaking 21 year old, Jesse, who is a voracious learner, and quite good at what he does. We hit it off really well, and totally geeked out on distilling, aromatic herbs, aromatherapy, enfleurage, et cetera. It was super fun, and the group I rode out with really enjoyed listening to the discussion, and we all had fun sampling the liquors. Jesse and I are now friends, and we might play around with experimental gins with the small still he has at home. Fucking rad.

Here's a photo of the stills at Bellewood, with an awkward inclusion of Christin (who looks nothing like this IRL), the back of my head, and Jesse's excited jazz hands. The stills are fucking beautiful. They do gin and brandy in the short one, and vodka in the tall one. We got to taste vodka at 180 proof, right as it was coming off the still. Oh my god, it was so good! Even though it's completely reduced to alcohol, the flavor of the apples comes through quite beautifully. Delicious.

I ended up breaking off from the group about 18 miles into the ride. We got to some rolling farmland with lots of hills, and very little time in between them to recuperate, plus a strong headwind. Between lack of food, lack of sleep, and lack of experience, I hit a bit of a wall. Had it been just Josh, Trey, and I (which it seemed might be the case at first), I know the boys would have happily gone slower with me, but there were a couple other very experienced riders in the group, and I didn't want to hold anybody back, nor did I want to push myself too hard. I took a break, then finished out the ride real strong, just Trey and I. I wasn't even sore afterward! I am a little tight in my shoulders this morning, but that's it. I definitely want to work up to doing more touring in the future. And I want a Surly Cross Check, oh my god.

I got home from the ride with just enough time to take a quick shower, change my clothes, then head off to the roller derby bout, my first one in quite a few years. One of Ron's best friends had been gifted with a season ticket, and neither of them had ever been to a bout. He was wanting us to meet anyway, so I went along to help them understand the game. As is often the case, I also saw lots and lots of people who I really love. It was a very stimulating event.

It's funny, because every time Ron and I go out, we run into lots of people who know me, and who really love me. I guess I know more people than I realised. He thinks it's cool that I know so many great people, and takes it as a very good sign that so many people are so very happy to see me whenever we run into them. I gotta admit, I do get a very warm reception, lots of hugs and kisses and exclamations of delight at seeing me. It's a little weird, and humbling. I guess I've just slowly and steadily collected a lot of neat friends.

Of course, not everybody likes me, lol. When we went out to lunch last week, a lady working there is an ex derby girl who kind of hates me. We never really got on, and after I quit derby and just volunteered, I stopped interacting with her, as I was no longer in a business relationship with all these woman, some of whom I didn't like. It's nothing hostile or dramariffic, I just don't choose to engage with everybody. She is a major attention whore, and also really haughty about it. One night, after a celebratory event, she drunkenly confronted me, basically asking why I wasn't "acknowledging her presence." I gave her a graceful out, just saying that I wasn't super social and didn't choose to engage with everyone. She did not accept that answer, so I flat out told her that I just plain didn't like her. I said that she didn't seem to like me much either, and that was okay. We don't all like everybody, and I was happy to peacefully coexist with her. Oh man, did she ever hate that. For years afterward, she would bristle whenever she saw me. It was interesting to run into her at the cafe while on a date, and I told Ron the story.

Then at the bout yesterday, she went to go sit with some friends in the row behind us, and accidentally spilled a little bit of her beer on my back. Dude, everybody spills beer there, and it was totally not intentional. She felt SO bad, though. She hasn't spoken to me in years, but she genuinely apologized, and I could see how bad she felt about it. I told her that it was totally not a big deal at all, and that lots of people spilled, so to just not worry about it. She sat down but was still looking at me apologetically, mouthing that she was so sorry. I laughed again, told her to really not worry about it, and blew her a kiss, all very genuine. It was kind of cute, in a weird way.

After the bout, Ron and his friend and I went back to her place, where I also met her roommate. They were both really interesting people, and I enjoyed hanging out with them. We had some drinks and talked about all sorts of things. It was quite fun. Ron's friend is rather protective of him, and there was definitely a bit of a vibe there, maybe even a little jealousy, but it was all good.

So yeah, things have been really full and enjoyable. My relationship with Ron is definitely a huge part of that. Already, things between us are very intimate, charged, loving, and respectful. We communicate beautifully, and genuinely enjoy who the other person is. It's fucking great.

The kids are on their way over soon. Josh and I are going to take all of our kids to the park to play. It is another beautiful day in paradise. Spring is in the air, and love is in my heart.

Monday, February 11th, 2013


Oh my goodness. I think I'm experiencing that phenomenon where you get involved with someone and all the sudden you're extra hot to everyone around you.

Things with my new beau are excellent. We've only been seeing each other for a week and a half, but it's been astoundingly good. We've seen each other four times, and I get to see him during his lunch break tomorrow, then we have a date on Friday night. And in the meantime, I'm kicking his ass in Words With Friends, and we e-mail/text. It's totally on. We are in similar places in our lives and wanting similar things from our relationships. We're keeping physical things just at "really hot making out" with a few little bites and scratches. When the time comes, I am certain that we will play well together. So excited.

I was pleasantly surprised to have a friend and neighbor ask me on a date this last Saturday night. We've known each other for eight years, and his wife asked me for polyamory advice about six months ago. Our whole families are friends. It's pretty cute. So is he. We went to a cool music performance at the Cirque Lab, where we cuddled and kissed a little. My circus friends went out for ice cream afterward, and we joined them. I got my ice cream for free because my friend was working.

I was a little surprised at myself for saying yes to my neighbor, since I'm well occupied with my new beau! I guess since we've known each other for so long, it was a known variable, and he's super chill. I can totally trust him to not cause drama or to want too much. I don't know where it'll lead, but we're in no hurry. Well, I'm not, anyway.

The Winter Cycling Fashion Show went great. This isn't the best photo of the cape I was wearing, but trust me, it was fabulous. I think we stole the show, again.

Then after the fashion show, my new beau and I met up for a drink at the Redlight, then moved next door to listen to some open mic at The Green Frog. My neighbor who I'd been on a date with the night before was at the Frog, so we ended up all sitting together. It's not the first time I've found myself out at an event sandwiched between two hot dudes that I'm dating, but this was very unexpected, and neither of the boys had ever had this kind of experience. Everybody was super cool, though. Hell, they're FB friends now. There were moments that I cuddled with both of them at the same time, and we all sat on the back deck toward the end and talked about the situation, openly and with respect and humor. It was great. Then my neighbor left, and shortly thereafter we left, made out on a bench for a bit, then went our separate ways. Sigh.

I ran into a few other people who wanted to whisk me away, but I was already on dates with other people, and damn, my dance card is full. Most notably, that hot glass artist who I almost dated last summer, and my sweet helicopter pilot/musician who I really do love, we just don't share quite enough to make it worthwhile. He sure misses me, though. Aw.

~ ------- ~

Things are otherwise going great. The kids and I have been in such a good place. We thoroughly enjoy each other's company every time they're here. They are smart and funny and such good kids.

Trey and I have been in a really good place too. We're communicating really well most of the time, and have been having lots of quality time and date nights between the two of us. It feels good to love each other well again.

Monday, February 4th, 2013


Damn, it has been such a fun week, and we're just getting started!

I had my date on Friday, which was fantastic. On Saturday, Trey and I biked to Fairhaven and had dinner, which was also fantastic. Then on Sunday, we took the boys to an all ages show at one of our favorite bars/music venues, The Green Frog. We had such a great time there! It was a blast to have so many kids in the bar. I really wish that sort of thing happened more often. The kids were really looking forward to one of the bands who were playing, plus the Frog has a gourmet grilled cheese bar, which the boys got to indulge in. The opening act was Irish step dancing, and it was wonderful. The boys were captivated by it. We met some cool people, including a French woman named Marina who just wanted to gobble the boys up, a hippie-ish traveller named River who is from Florida just like Trey, who was wearing a coat with an alligator hide which he made from an alligator he found dead in the swamp while visiting friends in Florida, and a newborn baby named Harmony with cute lesbian mamas. I got to hold Marina and Harmony, and River and I exchanged handshakes and stories. It was a great night.

I've had tons of wonderful interactions with my neighbors lately too. The kids got to hang out at Josh and Jessa's house all afternoon, then Josh brought me over a jar of his homebrew. Our neighbor across the street is lending us his car for our trip to Seattle tomorrow, in exchange for delicious foodstuffs. A photo from our garden was used on Uprising Seeds' website and seed racks this year, which is a wonderful local seed company run by our friends and neighbors Crystine and Brian. And, to top it all off, I'm going to be in another fashion show for Colleen's business this weekend.

This fashion show is for Everybody Bike, a local non profit which celebrates and encourages cycling for transportation. The event is a celebration of winter cycling. The best part is that I'll be riding my bike down the runway. Fucking awesome.

I got to see my new "special" friend briefly today. We met for coffee and conversation in the early evening, and were able to make out for a little bit at the end. It's pretty much great. We're charmed and intrigued by each other, and are developing a lot of respect and comfortability already. He has so many qualities that I've enjoyed in others, plus this trustworthy quality that is really appealing. We both tend to analyze things a lot, measured by intuition. Even already, we're pretty much all in. Who knows where it will go, but I think we're going to enjoy the journey. We fit quite nicely together. I think it's a really good time for both of us to have met each other.

In other exciting news, today our tarantula molted for the first time since she's been with us. It was a fast, healthy molt, and was amazing to watch! A little grotesque too, but that just added to the cool factor. Her fangs in particular looked fierce and a little frightening, much more gleaming white and visibly pointy than when she has her fully hardened exoskeleton. To molt, they flip over on their backs, then there's a split along the top of their cephalothorax and abdomen, and they wriggle out of their old skin. Ideally, it comes off all in one piece, and kind of looks like a dead spider. That's exactly what happened with her. Good job, little girl! Alder is so excited to have her molt.

To top off the wonderfulness, tomorrow Trey and I are going to Seattle to see Suzanne Vega! I have loved her for 20 years and this is a lifelong dream come true. We are seeing her in a gorgeous amphitheater where there isn't a bad seat in the house, and we have great seats. Trey is taking the whole day off work, and we're going to enjoy the food and thrift stores of Seattle before the show, plus just have a great day together.

Sometimes I feel like an idiot for ever getting depressed or whatever. It's been a weird, somewhat apathetic winter for me, which is really dumb. I have so many wonderful things in my life, and so many opportunities. I am okay with giving myself some time and space for the hard things in life, but want to be sure I don't allow myself to get too bogged down by them. Life is short. I want to seize the day.

Saturday, February 2nd, 2013


Well. I just had a really fun first date with a gentleman about town. It's been a while since I've had such a lovely first night out.

I've been a bit gun shy lately, after my experience with Rob. I've had a variety of dating experiences, and have met many beautiful people, but nothing that felt just so, quite right.

I'm not gonna lie—Rob and I shared a lot of beautiful things that really appealed to me, and that I wanted/needed in my life. There were other issues that made it not work out, but the good stuff, man, it was good. So fucking good. That wonderful intensity raised the bar, and I don't want to waste my time with anything less. Preferably without quite so much baggage (ha).

I've always been selective about who I spend my time with. I'm wildly extroverted at times, but am really an introvert at heart, and I cherish the time I spend alone. As much as I enjoy taking a lover, if it's not quite right, I'd just as soon spend my time alone or with my family, playing ukulele, knitting really cool socks, enjoying my children, dancing with Trey, holding snakes, et cetera. I have a full life, and this small town doesn't have that many opportunities for a woman of my nature and my situation.

Every once in a while, I meet a good one, and tonight was a good night. My new friend is a little older, smart as hell, adorable, gentlemanly, so, so, honest, sensual, and very sweet. Other things too. Delightful. I could go on and on.

I was flattered to hear that his ex-girlfriend (who moved away recently) recommended me highly, as she and I share friends-of-friends/acquaintances. As I've said before: It's a small town. Date responsibly.

We went on an art walk together, which was fantastic. I don't know that I've ever enjoyed looking at art with someone as much as I did tonight, both because of the art and the company. We wandered other places, had other experiences, and told other tales. It was something. Quite. We will be seeing each other again, possibly soon.

It's too early to call it, of course, but there's a good chance of a serious love connection here, with a healthy dose of kink. I am sure that we are fast friends. Already, I truly trust him as a person, which I haven't felt with anyone new in a while. It feels good.

Saturday, January 12th, 2013


The fashion show was a HUGE success. Everyone was so nice and sweet and fun. I had a fantastic time. And my outfit went over so, so well. The photos really don't do it justice, but here's a try.

Most of the outfits were much more tame, of course, but nobody minded us getting playful, haha. When I first stepped onto the runway, the whole crowd said, "Oooooooooh!" It was awesome. I didn't feel nervous at all, and really played up the outfit and played with the crowd. It was such fun.

They did some awards for the best model/outfit. First prize when to an adorable 85 year old woman in a great pants suit, and I got a close second. Colleen was thrilled. I was flattered. Trey was turned on. Ha.

After the event, Colleen and Trey and I went downtown to grab a drink and take some pictures. Some friends of Colleen's unexpectedly met us there, including the tailor who made the skirt! We had a great time.

A group of older artists were there having some drinks and doing sketches. I was walking past their table at one point and they asked me to sit for them, so I did! We chatted about this and that. They are big fans of the Dr. Sketchy's group, and told me I should pose there sometime. Ha. We'll see. One of them gave the the drawing he made of me.

A couple of bourbons later, Colleen took us home and we hung out for a few more hours, drinking wine, talking, loving on the dogs and snakes, laughing and crying. It was a blast. This was the first time that I really hung out with her like this. She's just wonderful.

Here are four more photos from the night:

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The skirt would have been more authentic if it were a bit longer in the front (Colleen kept telling Amanda to make it shorter, haha), and the weight of the bustle pulled it down a bit, which could have been worked around if we'd had more time, but it was fine the way it was. It sure showed off those hot tights! All the old ladies LOVED my stockings, and several of them are going to go get themselves a pair. I love it!

Colleen says that I am officially her go-to model, and that I'm part of the Black Market Boutique family now. Aw.

Saturday, January 5th, 2013


A few months ago I modeled in a fashion show for a local vintage/consignment shop run by my friend Colleen. She is such an awesome person, it was a pleasure to help. She also works with a tailor in her shop, who does alterations and custom work, who is also a darling.

Here's a picture of them in the adorable new top hats they just started carrying:

The fashion show a few months ago was a fundraiser for the Surfrider Foundation. Colleen and Amanda had six models in the show for their businesses combined, and there were many other models from other businesses. It was fun! I loved the corset, fascinator, and skirt that Colleen had me wearing, and she let me buy them all at a 30% discount as a thank you.

Well she has another fashion show coming up this next week, this time at a rather posh fundraiser for a local non-profit group which assists homeless families. They had to pay a fair bit to get a model into the show, so this time they only got one spot, and are working on that model together, and they asked me to do it. I told Colleen that I am totally flattered, as I'm sure she could find someone prettier or thinner or whatever to do it. She said that I was lovely, and that last time I looked like I was having so much fun, and had lots of character and sass, and that's what she wanted. So sweet. Plus, I do know how to do a thing or two with my hair and styling, and I pretty much have the perfect shoe for every occasion already in my wardrobe, so I guess I'm bringing some good things to the table.

I'm going to wear the same silver brocade corset that I wore last time, and the same cute boots (which I already owned), and Colleen gave me a silvery-gray silk blouse to wear under the corset, and some really cute vertical striped tights, both of which I get to just keep after the show. Amanda just took measurements of me and is making a very eclectic bustle skirt out of recycled fabrics, which is apparently going to be a pretty wild piece. She does such beautiful work, I can't wait to see what she comes up with. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to wear a bustle skirt. :)

To top it all off, they're putting me in one of the gray top hats shown above. Colleen knows that I've been wanting a top hat for ages, and the ones she just got in are GORGEOUS, but also sell for $80. She offered to sell me one at cost, which is dramatically lower. I'm not sure I'm allowed to say how much, but quite, quite affordable, and considering the quality of the piece, it's ridiculously cheap. I am thrilled!

Oh, and apparently the models need to either buy a ticket for the event or leave after the fundraiser. Everyone who has models in the show gets two tickets, but most of the shop owners aren't bringing their models as their date, lol. I get to be Colleen's date, and enjoy wine tasting, beer tasting, appetizers, and camaraderie, all while wearing a fantastical outfit. I am very excited. I'm happy to help out these businesses that I love so much.

I had so much fun playing dress up with Colleen and Amanda yesterday, especially since they're putting their all into just one model this time. To be honest, I was having kind of a shitty day, and this was quite the pick-me-up. I'm looking forward to the event on Thursday. It's going to be a blast!

Wednesday, December 12th, 2012


Well, my household grew considerably today. I now have four humans, four snakes, three dogs, three turtles, a cat, and a tarantula. Wild!

The snakes are a Royal Python, two Magdalena Plains Rosy Boas, and an Argentine Boa. The Argentine is the one that I got today. He's about three months old and already about two feet long. He will grow to about six feet long, probably. He is so beautiful. His eyes in particular. His coloring is going to develop with time. He's got a little pink to him right now, but he'll lose that as he gets more black and gray, with a little iridescence. We have bonded already, and will continue to do so with time. I love him. I love my other snakes too, but I have a lot of love to give. I'm so happy to have a big snake in the mix.

The tarantula is a beautiful Brazilian Black, which are super sweet and practically indestructible, unless you make the mistake of having prey in their habitat while they're molting. They're very vulnerable while molting, and a cockroach left in the habitat will begin to EAT the tarantula. Wild. Other than that, she's strong and content to be here. I got her for Alder's winter holiday present, expecting that I would learn to be able to handle her comfortably, but I was not so sure how I'd feel about it. I used to be deathly afraid of spiders. I've been working on that, but felt like I had a long way to go. Then I met this girl and just fell for her. She is so, so sweet. This species doesn't flick hairs (which can be painful/irritating), and you'd be hard pressed to get her to bite you. She's really calm. I love holding her. I was not expecting that.

She will eventually get to be about the size of my hand, like so. Badass.

And then! I was unexpectedly gifted with THREE mini musk turtles. They are aquatic and ADORABLE. I fell for them when I first met them about a month ago. I love watching them in their tank. They are not the most graceful swimmers, and prefer to climb to the surface of the water using the plants and wood in their tank. It is really meditative and joyous to watch them do their thing. Many things that are meditative have a sort of even, regular quality to them. These guys are more erratic than that, which is charming, really, and soothes as it stimulates. I spent quite a bit of time watching a tank full of them over these past few days. They have such personality! Playful, curious, happy little things. They will grow to about 3 to 4 inches when they are full sized, which is quite small, but they start out TINY. The photo below is not of one of my turtles, but mine are not a whole heck of a lot bigger right now.

Here's a video of them swimming around in their tank. This is good, but somehow, it just doesn't capture what it's like to see them in real life. They are living art, for sure, and are going to change the whole character of our living room in a beautiful way.

We're going to add a few fish in there too. They will be "working fish." Their only feed will be detritus from the turtle food, and the turtle's waste. Brilliant. We'll probably throw a few tetras in there, but I'm especially excited about the corydoris, a small catfish variety. The species I'll be getting are only about 1.5" fully mature, just right for these wee turtles.

This all sounds like a lot, but they are simple creatures to take care of, and I love having all of this life in our house. The only tricky part is getting everything to fit nicely. I'm just about to replace one of our bookshelves with a tall shelf (which I'm going to build) that will house all the snakes and the tarantula, and the turtles will have their own beautiful spot. It'll all work out just fine. I'm looking forward to having a wall of reptiles (and a spider).

The kids are at their dad's house tonight. They know that I was bringing the Argentine home, but the tarantula was a surprise for Alder (River knows about it), and the turtles were a surprise for us all! Oh man, it's going to be great to share these gorgeous creatures with the boys tomorrow.

Thursday, November 29th, 2012


I am trying online bra shopping, just for the hell of it. I found this service which has cute styles, and free shipping each way (so returns don't cost you anything), and they offered the first set for $20, so why not? I like the one I got today, and I think I'll get another, then probably be done with these guys.

The pieces fit well, are better quality than I expected, and arrived quickly. If any of you want to check it out, do me a favor and use this link. If I get two friends to sign up, I get a free set, which would be super cool, since I don't have much money to spend on this sort of thing, haha.

three photos, nsfw-ish; two of me in my new set, and one of the set I want to get nextCollapse )

For those of you also friends with me on FB, please forgive the crosspost, but there's a bonus picture here to make it worth your while, if you like that sort of thing. ;)

Well, I found my next knitting project. It's the "Regina" hat on Ravelry, which has gorgeously simple art deco styling.

I'm going to make it with a dark(ish) teal band and a soft(ish) lime green body. I usually HATE the appearance of reverse stockinette, but in this project, it really works for me (and you knit the body inside-out in the round, so it's not like you're purling the whole time). I'll probably cast this on after I finish my first Spring Roses in Vienna sock, so that I have a simple project to alternate in on tired nights or when I'm traveling. I blame this project on adding Cascade Yarns to my FB feed. I might need to remove them, or get a(nother) part time job to supplement my yarn and reptile habits, haha.

My first Spring Roses sock is getting close to done. Here's an image of the finished socks, as a reminder of how fucking cool they are. Mine are burgundy roses with a charcoal gray field, which is a versatile color pairing for me.

I'm on the foot bed now. It'll probably be finished in the next day or two. It's possible I'll stay up all night knitting and finish it tonight. I am certain I won't have a problem with the dreaded "second sock syndrome," even though I'm casting on another project in between. I'm so excited to wear these. Hell, I'll probably be wearing the one while I knit the second.

In non-knitting news, I picked up a small private session henna gig tonight, just a simple piece for an acquaintance. I consider it $20 closer to getting my Argentine Boa, or half a pair of socks. I like making art from the gains from art. And yes, housing reptiles is an art. <3

Wednesday, November 28th, 2012


Holy shit, Trey scored me NINE generously sized locally made raw chocolate bars. Raw chocolate is such a superfood. It's expensive, so I don't treat myself to it often. This. Is. Awesome.

In less exciting news, Rob went from "I love you, I adore your pussy," one week to "I think I should be celibate for a while," the next. Literally, one week. I don't hold it against him that he needs that kind of time on his own, but his wishy-washy ambivalence is tiresome. It seems he thinks I'm an evil bitch or some such nonsense for saying as much. Whatever. I have no hard feelings, but I don't want to be close to someone like that, and it's no judgment on him for me to express my needs in this sort of situation. I don't know why he's taking it so personally, but it's a moot point to me. I wish him the best.

I've had tons of social stuff going on in other parts of my life. Ross and I continue to maintain a very close connection, and it's good for both of us. I have been in touch with lots of other friends, old and new. It's about as much as I can handle. I have two friend-dates, three date-dates, and one possible date-date in the next two weeks. And one of my friend-dates might end up in bed, so... yeah. Busy, busy, busy.

One of my lovers was being especially sweet the other night. We were messaging each other, and he said some of the most lovely things, all so very sincere. He says that I have the most sensuous body he's ever experienced. He has dreams in which we are partners, having hot semi-public sex. He hopes that there's an alternate reality in which we are totally together (since that's not an option in either of our current realities). He is such a love, and the time we spend together is deeply soothing to both of us.

Things with Trey and I have been generally improving too. It's been a rough road these past couple of years, and there have been times when I wonder if we're making the right decision by continuing to try, but the truth of the matter is that in my heart of hearts, I adore him. I am trying to keep in touch with that in my day-to-day, and to help him feel it. We definitely love each other, but haven't always been "in love" with each other these past few years. We've had a few false starts falling back in love, but I think we might be at a turning point here. I sure hope so. I would love for things to work out with us.

Things are going pretty well with the kids too. River has been having some frustrations with school, but he's also been excelling. We're doing our best to support him. Alder has been not doing as well academically as he has in years past (when he was top of his classes), but I think that's because the transition to middle school involves so much learning on the social level. We're trying to help him focus on his academics more, but I'm not really worried about it.

They've both been really sweet and helpful. They finally learned how to fill up hot water bottles, and have been excitedly fetching them for me whenever my feet are cold, which is all the time. They are both interested in becoming more independent and helpful. They want to make dinner all by themselves, run fetch small items from the store for me, walk home from school alone, stuff like that. It's hard to get used to kids growing up, but I like the perks, and I like playing with their brains at this point.

I know that I already have three snakes, and just got two of them a short while ago, but I am seriously considering adding a fourth to the mix. I feel like there should be a big one in there. I'm thinking about getting an Argentine Boa. The males can get up to 8', but 6 - 7' is more likely. Perfect.

We're also seriously considering getting Alder that tarantula he's been lusting after for his Christmas present. I'm not so sure how I feel about having a big spider in the house, but I'm sure I'd get over it real quick and would be handling it like it ain't no thing within a month or two. Eep.

Tuesday, November 20th, 2012


It's weird, I don't usually do the "getting back together thing," which I think is generally a good policy. I guess I'm making a tentative exception here. With some restructuring, things with Rob and I might work out okay. I still find it a little unsettling, but I gotta admit, the great sex is pretty compelling. I'm bleeding right now, but when I'm done, I think I'm gonna go fuck him up, haha.

It's interesting. There were some health concerns that stopped us from having sex for the last like month that we were together. I think that's one of the things that broke us. When we were having regular, great sex, we were good. The reasons for the furlough have passed, and I think we both know more what to expect from the other in terms of our overall relationship.

When we saw each other the other night we didn't have sex or anything, but we did get physical, and it felt amazing. For whatever reason, we have incredible rapport there. I wonder how that will translate to a more limited relationship. I guess we'll see. I don't have any expectations. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, we'll move on. Cool.
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Monday, November 19th, 2012


Hm, well, it's been an eventful few days.

Last night I was planning on staying in (since Trey and I went out the night before), but I got guest listed for the circus guild's Aerialist Showcase, and I couldn't turn it down. As I was getting ready, I got a message from my friend Genevieve (who I dated for a short while when we first met, and who also goes by Johnny). She said she was thinking of me that day and wondered how I was. I told her I was good, and was on my way to a circus show with Trey, and she should join us. She only had 25 minutes to get ready and get to the bus, but she lives around the corner from the bus station, so it worked out. We had a great time at the show, then got a drink downtown after. She and Trey and I all get on great. It was nice to hang out again.

She invited me over for coffee this morning, and my schedule with the kids ended up allowing that, so I had a bit more time with her today. We talked about boys and kids and all sorts of things. I played uke for her, which was extra fun since she's the first non-family member I ever played for, back in the day. It was fun to revisit that.

As for the rest of the day, I'm going to have to copy-pasta that for you. I just wrote a letter to Ross covering the gist of it, but yeah, it's been a full day.
Subject: Whirlwind

Good Morning, Sweets.

What a day it has been. A day of reconnection, for sure.

My morning started with coffee and ukulele with Johnny, as you know. It was great. I'll probably tell you all about it sometime. She lives right downtown, so when I left there I ran up to the Co-op to get a few things. It was good for Trey and I to see each other for a bit, then I went home and the boys got dropped off, later than usual, but we have a fluid schedule usually, and this holiday week in particular.

Right as the boys were dropped off, I got a phone call, though I waited until the kids were settled in to return the call. It was from that guy I met at the last Petunia and the Vipers show, the one that I danced with, whose mother taught him to Salsa dance as a child in Puerto Rico. Alexi. Since our dance, we texted a little bit, and were going to meet up for a walk or something, but he kind of chickened out at the last minute, and sent me an awkward text about how he was young and full of dumb and more dumb, and didn't want to date me. Aw. It was sweet in its honesty, and I told him as much, and that I didn't have expectations, I just found him interesting and would like to be his friend. Not to deny any attraction, because that's definitely there, but that doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. So yeah, our last interaction left on a sort of "I'll see ya when I see ya" note, which is cool. That was like five days ago. Then he called today, and told me that he re-read our texts, and felt like he was kind of rude, and should have responded with an offer of his friendship, among other things. The rest of the conversation is probably best told aloud, so I'll wait for that opportunity, but it was cute, and honest, and friendly. We are likely going for a stormy walk this weekend sometime.

After that, the boys and I spent a productive afternoon together. Alder had homework to catch up on, but I pulled him away for a music break at one point, since I needed tambourine backup on the Belle and Sebastian song I was playing, haha. It was a good day.

Come evening, I got tired and headachy, so I curled up in bed with a hot water bottle and an orgasm. River fetched the hot water bottle for me, for the first time. He was very proud of himself, and I'm so grateful when the kids can help me out a bit. Once I warmed up, I took care of the orgasm on my own, haha. Did you know that it's harder for women to come when they have cold feet? True fact.

Trey got home and prepped the kids' simple dinner while I fell asleep. I woke up shortly before he came to bed. We had a few minutes together, then he slept while I laid next to him for a few hours, restless, watching a new TV series on the iPad, and internetting on my iPod. All the while, the wind was picking up outside, and sleep was not coming to me.

Right about then, I got a text from Rob. "What a wind!" he said. I first responded with, "Did you mean to send this to me?" Ha. But he did, and we talked, and he invited me over, and I accepted. I know, I know. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I knew that there was a good chance that things would be just like old times, and they were. We are not without our issues, but we fucking love each other, and some aspects of our connection are truly rare and beautiful, so long as we can accept the other stuff, and find a healthy balance. I guess we'll see, but it's fair to say that we are on good terms again.

I guess I was over there for a couple hours or so? I went over around 2:00 - 2:30, and came home around 4:30 or 5:00. He would have liked for me to stay, and I would have liked that too, but I need to be up for the boys shortly. Perhaps he'll invite me over another night and I'll stay.

So, that's my day/evening/night. I thought you should know. I am sorry that I slept during the window we had for a conversation. It leaves me at a loss, not only for your company, but also for knowledge of when you are leaving for your ferry tomorrow, and when we might be able to talk on the phone next, and all that good stuff. So I'll just message you this, and hope that we can talk soon.

I lost my voice a little this past day, myself. It came back just enough for me to sing for a bit today. I hope your voice is coming back too, and that I can hear it soon.

- C.
So, there's a little slice of my life.

In other news, I'm four days late in my menstrual cycle, which is unheard of. If I weren't fixed, and if I'd been having sex, I might be worried, but I am, and I haven't, so I'm not, I'm just really fucking late and cranky about it. Here's to hoping that staying up all night, biking in the wind, and wrestling with a hot boy will help bring it out of me. If not, I'm hula hooping ALL DAY tomorrow until I fucking bleed. xo

Sunday, November 4th, 2012


I have been having a strange time of late. I've been in a lot of pain which isn't helping my state of mind. I also haven't been outside much, nor have I been very productive. I think I'm a little depressed and need to do something about it soon.

It's warm and blustery out today. After I'm done writing this I'm going to take the kids to the park. They'll love it, and I always find the wind cleansing.

For the most part, I feel very quiet right now.

Last night was our community's Dia de los Muertos celebration. It was a lot of fun, though I finished the night with a raging headache (one of the pain problems I've been having lately), so I wasn't able to really enjoy things as much as I would have liked. At least I looked good doing it? Haha. Here's a (large) quick snapshot of my makeup and headdress, at least.

one photo  Collapse )

I slept really strangely last night. I kept waking up in pain, and had weird dreams all night. The weirdest one was that Rob and I had come back together and had found a balance that was missing the whole time we were together. Ross and Eric Idle (from Monty Python) also featured heavily in the dream, haha. I woke up really missing aspects of our connection for the first time since we separated. We've been in periodic but regular contact (mostly unwanted on both sides). I still don't think that I want to be friends with him, but I guess I am mourning some of the things that we had that were really good for me. Probably not good with him, but maybe someday, with somebody. I don't know. Mostly the kink. Damn, that was fun. More than fun. It reaches some part of me that needs to be reached. I don't have all that many opportunities to play in that way with someone I love and trust. Too bad.

I have been having a lot of social contact lately. Last week was full of fun activities, and next week I have a couple of great things planned as well. But I just want to sleep. I am feeling disenchanted by most of my contact with people, almost to the point of misanthropy. I have been getting plenty of alone time, I'm just not using it well.

I'm sure this will pass, and I'm going to start taking better care of my own needs as best as I can, which will help. I just hope the pain stops soon. I'd make a terrible chronically ill patient. Pain is exhausting, and makes me unmotivated.

I'm gonna suck it up and go to the park now. xo

Monday, October 29th, 2012


I can't see the full moon through the clouds, but I can feel it. What a powerful and beautiful night.

Slightly unrelated, but here:


I went into those mountains a short while ago, and I will be going there again. There is magic in this part of the world, and it is pulling me into these quiet, exquisite places. I am so blessed.

Sunday, October 28th, 2012


So I was guessing conservatively when I said that Ross wasn't a genius. Turns out he is. He's had his IQ tested several times. The lowest he ever got was 135. Once he got 186 but says he thinks it was a fluke. He thinks an accurate range is 160 - 165.

I'm not surprised, but I am delighted. He has impressed me so much with how much he knows and how thoroughly he knows it, especially considering how short a time he's been on this earth. So cool.

This isn't information that he tends to share with people, since he doesn't want to sound narcissistic or anything (he's really not, at all, but I can understand the concern). He said it was okay if I mentioned it here, purely for accuracy's sake, of course. ;)
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