Yesterday was intense. I think it's all for the best, but damn if it… - My secret life of indiscreet discretions


cordelia_sue wrote:

April 10th, 2013 - 11:22 am

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Yesterday was intense. I think it's all for the best, but damn if it wasn't a doozy.

It started peacefully, in my love's arms. I made him potatoes for breakfast, and he made me come. Ha. We have been having such amazing sex. It's the energy of it. We are both so empathic, we feel each other so beautifully, and the love we have for each other is so strong, it makes me laugh with delight, and cry with delight. So yeah, we had some time to commune with each other in the morning, then I read to him from my favorite book, Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. He is loving it.

In the early afternoon, we headed to Goodwill to buy a lamp, something we've been talking about for a while now. The light in his main room is quite harsh for me, and he's kind enough to let me domesticate him a little bit. We've been joking about this lamp for a while now. Like that we should get a ceramic one so that if we break up, we can smash the lamp. Stuff like that. Well. Did we ever get a lamp! Neither one of us realised quite how cool it was until we plugged it in late last night. It's perfect! It's a touch lamp with three settings, and we didn't even have a three way bulb in it, just a normal light bulb. And it's metal, so it can't be smashed. I guess we're just going to have to stay together forever.

No, really, I love this lamp.

So, after we got the lamp, we went to my house for a bit, then walked with Cisco to pick River up from school. River loved that both Tory and I were there, and happily walked Cisco home. Unfortunately, his mood took a turn for the worse shortly after getting home, as he was frustrated about homework he had to do, and jealous that it was his brother's birthday. He spent his birthday at his dad's house, and while it sounds like he had a reasonably good day, he didn't get a full on birthday celebration with me (we celebrated in bits and pieces instead), and it seems he took that harder that I realised.

I know I've written some about River's struggles here before. He can be so fucking intense. That intensity is going to serve him well someday, but right now, it can be such a burden. He was full blown yesterday, just upset and unable to work his way out of it. As usual, I did what I could for him, but it was draining for me. Tory got a full view of what he's signed up for as well. He was great, and he understands, and he still loves me. In a way, I think it was good that he got to see this so soon; the great heartache of my life, and how I try to deal with it.

At one point, River was talking about how his brother was the worst brother in the world, because he had been playing with one of his toys briefly, against River's wishes. I told him that his brother was a great brother, and that he really loved him. I tried to give Riv some perspective, which is the only thing I can really do at times like that. I told him that if his kidneys failed, and Alder was a match, I'm sure that Alder would give River one of his kidneys. River thought about it, and agreed, and calmed down a bit, though he couldn't help but add that after the surgery, Alder would probably take advantage of River's recovery time to play with his toys. Sigh.

So yeah, the whole afternoon was exhausting. I basically made Alder his birthday cupcakes, rolled up some collard wraps, and talked River off the ledge. That's it, and it wiped me the fuck out.

Trey got home from work and I whipped up a quick dinner for River, then got changed into a pretty dress so that Tory and Alder and I could go out for sushi. I also lined up an activity for Trey and River, just swimming for a short while, but it was good for Riv to have his own fun thing to do. By that point, his mood had turned around, and he had done his homework.

I had a real nice time out with Tory and Alder. Tory borrowed my bike so we all biked downtown. The light in the restaurant was soft and low, and Tory drinking sake was just one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. I can still see it in my mind's eye, and it gives me the most gentle but intense thrill in my heart. So in love.

Oh! And when we arrived at the restaurant, the woman who was my doula for both births was just leaving. We sat at the table that they had been using. I love that I got to see her there, on that day. And I ate sushi, which I have only done rarely, but it's growing on me. Nori has been hard for me to handle, but I'm starting to like it. Weird.

We stopped at Mallard's on the way home to pick up some ice cream to go with the cupcakes. Liana was working, and she gave me a really good hug, and gave Alder a free pint for his birthday. So sweet.

We got home, I assembled the cupcakes, then the boys all ate them. We didn't sing happy birthday because David Bowie was playing and we decided that was better. After the cupcakes, we fed Zara (the tarantula) a cricket. She wasn't eating when we first got her, but she has been lately. This was the boys' first time getting to watch her feed. It was so cool.

We also did the first of hopefully many photographs of Alder on his birthday with Zara on his face. He wanted to have a tarantula on his face from the first time he saw a photo like that. I am looking forward to doing this each year, watching them both grow up.

After the cupcakes and tarantula feeding, Tory took me home. We plugged in the lamp, then I proceeded to get drunk. Ha. I don't usually drink with the intention of getting drunk, but between quitting smoking and the trying day I had just had, I was all about it last night. It was fine. Just what I needed. I was able to still love Tory real hard, joke around a lot, and watch a bit of a show. Oh! And at one point I took my clothes off in the most amusing fashion. I was wearing some undies and a camisole top. I took the undies off and tossed them toward the bottom of the bed, but they caught on a hook on the wall, which was amusing. Then I took my camisole off and tossed it toward the bottom of the bed, but it caught on another hook on the wall. I so wasn't trying to do either of those things, which is why it was so funny. Probably had to be there, but I'm writing it down for my sake.

This morning I awoke at 5:00 a.m., wide awake, and happy. I drank some water, turned off the lamp, and thought about reading, but instead I just laid in bed next to my love and smiled until I fell back asleep. We awoke together around 8:30, totally in love. We had some coffee and shared our bodies and spirits with each other. Being with him is so amazing, there's no way I could want anything else. What we share is what I want, so much.

As I was writing this, Tory poked his head into the cave, with a glint in his eye. Turns out he just wrote me a song! Oh my goodness, that's such a treat. I can't wait to hear it.

Tomorrow, we go back to the Salish Sea, then to harvest more nettles. I am so looking forward to the cold embrace of the water. I need that right now. I am going to swim, hard, for a long time.

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