Oh man, there are some days where the love is more intense than… - My secret life of indiscreet discretions


cordelia_sue wrote:

May 13th, 2013 - 10:56 am

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Oh man, there are some days where the love is more intense than others. Yesterday was one of them. Tory and I knew it was going to be a big one from the moment we woke up. It's so good, it hurts. I was on the edge of tears off and on throughout the day, just from the beauty and intensity of it all. I did tear up a little from time to time, but I could feel a storm inside of me just waiting to be released.

We got to spend the morning and early afternoon together before Tory had to work and I got the kids. We checked the antique stores for wooden boxes to build our automata in, then came home and had some incredibly intimate, powerful sex. It was major.

In the early evening I went and visited him while he was working, as I do every day. I brought him one of the poppies from the garden, and brought my uke and serenaded him with a song that I've been wanting to play for him. It's sappy and sweet but if I were the sort to write sappy, sweet songs, I could have written it for him, it has so many strange little things that are in our life together. I don't sing it particularly well so I had been holding off, but it was playing in the antique store that morning, so I just had to. Tory was charmed.

When he got off work at 10, I picked him up and we played some pool. Sundays are free pool days, which is nice, but we're going to hit it in the afternoons in the future, which will work with our schedules when we get back from our road trip, as we'll both have Sundays off soon.

We got home from the bar and had some more great sex. The emotion was about as strong as usual (which is really strong), and physically, things were so fucking fun. I love having him all over, including on my chest. Last night I was able to combine having him between my breasts and in my hand in a way that neither of us had ever experienced before, and let me tell you, it was amazing. We are SO doing that again.

In the aftermath of our sex, emotions were running high again, and I could feel the tears coming. I knew that Tory wouldn't mind if I just let go, and I couldn't hold it in anymore, so I cried and cried. Sobbing over how wonderful it is to love each other so much, and how scary it is to be so vulnerable to somebody, but mostly just the positive stuff. It's so good it hurts. I still don't know where exactly the sadness comes from in the face of such beauty, but it's somehow sad, and so, so beautiful. I cried for quite some time. Tory totally gets it. He's not a crier, but has had a good cry for similar reasons, and even without that, he completely understands, and feels so much of the same stuff. While I cried, he was just present with me, holding me, joking with me, feeling it with me, loving me.

I'm emotionally exhausted this morning, but I think that after a bike ride and a cup of coffee, I'll be ready to jump back into the fray. It's gonna be another good day. I'm going to do some woodworking, play with the kids, and cook lots and lots of asparagus. I am excited.

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Date:2013-05-18 09:14 pm (UTC)
<3 <3 <3

One of the most valuable things that a therapist has ever told me was that when you are in a place that feels utterly stable and secure, your mind is able to let go a little, to release some of the past pain that it has stored up and protected you from until you can handle it. Love is an anchor that lets you dive into your depths because you are tethered to the surface. When I am the most happy, it is often tinged with some sad. Knowing that it is a release, that it is because I am safe, has allowed me appreciate the healing.
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